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WORLDS GREATEST LOVER
This week I studied the wisdom of Colin Christopher, billed as “one of the most popular stage hypnotists in North America, “a certified clinical hypnotherapist, “ and a master of hypnotizing Arkansas TV personalities to embarrass themselves on morning shows.
Colin is promoting himself as a sex guru to help men manipulate women “in such a subtle way that women won’t even realize it – and it can help with almost everything from knowing the truth, getting a second date” and getting a “leg up in relationships with women.”
So I asked Colin how I could manipulate my girlfriend into letting me do thoroughly sick and unspeakable things in bed. Or … come to think of it, maybe he tracked me down, and hypnotized me into interviewing him to promote his wonderful, crucial, exciting, and revelatory book entitled Success Through Manipulation: Subconscious Reactions That Will Make or Break You.
I grilled Colin by email. This is how it went down:
Colin, I’m training myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover. Can you please give me tips on how to be a sexual dynamo with my superfine girlfriend?
1. When you’re with a woman and she’s feeling happy, loved, excited, or when she thinks you’re absolutely awesome, touch her on the elbow. Then touch her on the elbow during sex and it will bring back these same emotions of happiness, love, excitement and how awesome she thinks you are. The more you touch her elbow outside of the bedroom while she’s experiencing these emotions, the greater her chances of recalling them when you touch her elbow during sex.
2. One of the most common complaints I get from male patients in my practice is they feel that they don’t last long enough. Think about things to take your mind off of this. The key is to still think about things that excite you and keep you upbeat and energetic, and to take your mind off the constant worry about not lasting long enough, premature ejaculation or not pleasing your lover enough. Sports is a good example because it’s an easy topic for many guys, but think about something you are passionate about or really enjoy.”
I’m out of town on business. Please give me short but powerful hypnotic suggestions that I can text to my girlfriend to make her miss me like crazy?
The key is to strike her emotions about you by knowing the things that really excite her, that turn her on, things she enjoys doing with you, the music you both enjoy listening to together, or both of your favorite sex position. Put an emphasis on these things so she can’t wait to experience them again when you return from your trip. For example: say something like, “When I get home we’re going to go to our favorite restaurant, and then we’ll hit that favorite club that plays our favorite music and after that we’ll see where the night takes us.
[Hmm, I liked the restaurant part, but “we’ll see where the night takes us?” That’s like the worst dirty talk ever. Think I’ll stick with the weirdo ‘daddy/daughter’ script from Dr. Ruthie’s guidebook The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty.]
Hypnotists often say “look into my eyes, look deep into my eyes” but I squint a lot. My eyes are pale blue and it’s a bright, sunny world out there. Do you have tips for me on how to keep my eyes open wider so I can manipulate my girlfriend?
Don’t waste your time trying to change your eyes. The key is to use gentle words of persuasion. Speak in lower, softer, gentler tones and get her to close her eyes while she’s listening to you. Offer her some sexy commands.
How can I hypnotize myself into having sex 4 times a day?
With hypnosis, we’re trying to focus more on the quality of the sex rather than the quantity; however, to give yourself the power to have sex 4 times a day, it starts with your phrasing and the messages you tell yourself. A good place to start would be to make an audio recording, put on some headphones and play it back over and over again. The phrasing should be: “My erection is long, strong, healthy, feels good, and I enjoy pleasuring my partner as much as I enjoy receiving. My recovery time is quick, and I can have sex multiple times.” The other thing to do in between sex is to get into a deep state of relaxation, do some deep breathing doing 10 deep breaths in a row, and allow your body to recover to get ready for the next round.
If I learn how to manipulate my girlfriend into doing exactly what I want, won’t that get dull? Isn’t there a risk that I won’t value her as much because she’ll be a slave to my every desire?
If you don’t respect your girlfriend enough in the first place, you’re always going to get bored. For those who use manipulation only to get what they want, that’s not respecting your partner and it’s walking a slippery slope. The goal of manipulation is to better the relationship. It’s about using manipulation and hypnosis techniques to have a positive relationship that benefits both partners. Manipulation isn’t always bad; it’s a positive force to further along the relationship for both people. Sure it can help you have the upper hand at times, but the goal should always be about using manipulation to bring out the best in both people.
All hail the king! Thank you, Colin Christopher. You have symbolically woken up my sex life and I now feel relaxed and invigorated with a turgid erection for Sidney Crosby’s full and pouty lips.